i wish i could just run away. to a place where i don't know anyone and to a place where no one i know could find me. to run away from the routine that i do day in and day out. i want to run away to a place where it is sunny and yet breezy. . to be able to walk on the sandy beach. to be able to read a book on the beach in my bikini with my shades on under a palm tree and a cocktail by my side. and maybe fall asleep under the bright shinning moon and stars in the silence of the night.
i want to live my life for my own and stop living my life for someone else. to do what i want and when i want to. to stop thinking of the consequences, just for once. to stop thinking the what if's and the maybes. to run away from all the emotions. i want to run away from all the responsibilities. to run away from the people that i care about. i just want to be alone. it sound sad doesn't it. but i value my time on my own. which i don't get much.i want to be able to think without the bustling sounds of voices or traffics. i want to run away from civilization. i want to run away from being disappointed.
i want to turn away from friends that i don't need. to turn to those that does not know the meaning of trust and confidential away. to turn away those who are not they seem to be. to be able to run them down with a monster truck over and over again, just to make sure that they are dead or barely surviving. :D ...... they don't deserve to live. but who am i to judge. that's just a dream.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
coming undone
emotions : noun a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others • any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc. • instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge : responses have to be based on historical insight, not simply on emotion.
i am facing my emotions, emotions of hurt, anger and guilt. i am sick of being hurt. sick of feeling guilty. sick and tired thinking that it was a small problem. but soon realized that it just grew bigger and bigger. sick and tired thinking that maybe i was the one to be blamed. sick and tired of taking the blame. sick and tired of all these emotions. couldn't they just leave me alone just for awhile. sick of wondering the 'what ifs', the 'maybes' and the indefinite possiblities that may lie. and just maybe things would be different. when something happens, the next day i feel butterflies of guilt gushing in my tummy.
sick and tired of thinking if i could just change a little bit and then the maybes arrives. sick of evaluating life as it seems.
complicated as ever. decisions that could not be made. options that could not be taken. everything happens for a reason. but what is the reason. i am sick and tired thinking and believing that what i have now is what i actually want. sick of thinking of losing someone dear to me. what should i do. there are options and decisions. am i strong enough to be take the first step. and look at things from out of the box. maybe i am the one to be blame. but everyone needs to play a part and take the blame to. sick and tired of thinking if i could do it better. sick being the one that has to apologise most of the time. sick of being scared. sick and tired of hating.
sick and tired being taken for granted. sick and tired of trying. sick and tired giving. sick and tired of talking. sick and tired of wanting. sick and tired of being irritated. sick and tired of being the bad person.
sick and tired of everything.
i am facing my emotions, emotions of hurt, anger and guilt. i am sick of being hurt. sick of feeling guilty. sick and tired thinking that it was a small problem. but soon realized that it just grew bigger and bigger. sick and tired thinking that maybe i was the one to be blamed. sick and tired of taking the blame. sick and tired of all these emotions. couldn't they just leave me alone just for awhile. sick of wondering the 'what ifs', the 'maybes' and the indefinite possiblities that may lie. and just maybe things would be different. when something happens, the next day i feel butterflies of guilt gushing in my tummy.
sick and tired of thinking if i could just change a little bit and then the maybes arrives. sick of evaluating life as it seems.
complicated as ever. decisions that could not be made. options that could not be taken. everything happens for a reason. but what is the reason. i am sick and tired thinking and believing that what i have now is what i actually want. sick of thinking of losing someone dear to me. what should i do. there are options and decisions. am i strong enough to be take the first step. and look at things from out of the box. maybe i am the one to be blame. but everyone needs to play a part and take the blame to. sick and tired of thinking if i could do it better. sick being the one that has to apologise most of the time. sick of being scared. sick and tired of hating.
sick and tired being taken for granted. sick and tired of trying. sick and tired giving. sick and tired of talking. sick and tired of wanting. sick and tired of being irritated. sick and tired of being the bad person.
sick and tired of everything.
Monday, June 11, 2007
hayden lee
After months of endless waiting he finally decided to come out to the world. Isn't he just so adorable. Cute BUT not ugly mind you. My best friend son. Hayden Lee Fu Sen his name is. Born on 22nd May 2007. I was just lazy to blog about it earlier.. And I'm an aunty already. sigh. STOP MAKING ME FEEL OLD, IAN LEE!!! hahahaha... I heard that Hayden's bigger than he was when I first saw him.. Can't wait to see him again... It took me awhile to get used to Ian being a husband and now he's a freaking dad. sigh. can you still party with me? hahhaahah.
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